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Why do so many of our kids--raised in the most affluent nation on earth--fail to thrive and strive and enter adulthood lacking appropriate and effective coping skills? Drs. Swihart and Cotter have come up with a revolutionary theory on why our kids are having such a tough time of it today: It is because we allow our children to manipulate us, and the world around them, rather than teaching them how to respond to life and life's tough situations. The result is that manipulative behavior is directly tied to low self-esteem, which only heightens its negative impact on kids, families, and the larger communities we live in. The good news is that Drs. Swihart and Cotter have created a radical and clinically proven program for breaking manipulative behavior and getting our kids back on track. The program teaches parents to say no without feeling guilt; to resist the urge to feel responsible for their child's happiness; to view their children as emotionally competent and resilient; and most importantly, to realize that effective parenting means allowing your child to make mistakes and develop a sense of competence, which leads to enhanced self-esteem and an ability to live independently and successfully in the real world.
Drawing on their twenty-five years in private practice, the authors illustrate their program with examples of successful kids, as well as case studies of how parents have regained control and effectively blocked their children's manipulative behavior. The positive results will enlighten, and even astound you, and give you the tools needed to become a better parent.
- Sales Rank: #633312 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Bantam
- Published on: 1998-03-02
- Released on: 1998-03-02
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.24" h x .60" w x 5.23" l, .52 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 254 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From the Inside Flap
Why do so many of our kids--raised in the most affluent nation on earth--fail to thrive and strive and enter adulthood lacking appropriate and effective coping skills? Drs. Swihart and Cotter have come up with a revolutionary theory on why our kids are having such a tough time of it today: It is because we allow our children to manipulate us, and the world around them, rather than teaching them how to respond to life and life's tough situations. The result is that manipulative behavior is directly tied to low self-esteem, which only heightens its negative impact on kids, families, and the larger communities we live in. The good news is that Drs. Swihart and Cotter have created a radical and clinically proven program for breaking manipulative behavior and getting our kids back on track. The program teaches parents to say no without feeling guilt; to resist the urge to feel responsible for their child's happiness; to view their children as emotionally competent and resilient; and most importantly, to realize that effective parenting means allowing your child to make mistakes and develop a sense of competence, which leads to enhanced self-esteem and an ability to live independently and successfully in the real world.
Drawing on their twenty-five years in private practice, the authors illustrate their program with examples of successful kids, as well as case studies of how parents have regained control and effectively blocked their children's manipulative behavior. The positive results will enlighten, and even astound you, and give you the tools needed to become a better parent.
Most helpful customer reviews
22 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
Dense Read; WONDERFUL Information
By K. Carson
I wish that every parent in the US would sit down and read this book from cover to cover before they endure another sleepless night or futile tantrum or trying day with their children. It is a wealth of sound thinking, common sense, and streamlined techniques for building a family based on love, respect, and confidence rather than the chaos, doubt, and frustration that seem to be the norm in modern parenthood. If you're looking for a book on parenting, read this one!
For content, I would give this book six stars if I could. Many other reviewers have pointed out the title. I agree that it's a little misleading. Though a great deal of the book is dedicated to describing manipulative behavior and explaining why it is seriously bad for a child to learn manipulative techniques instead of more honest and straightforward coping mechanisms, the book is, at its root, a book about the following:
Gentle parenting within firm limits -- NOT punishing, rather teaching and guiding your children and giving them what they need to thrive
Value-based parenting -- not in the modern politician catch-phrase sense (don't the same politicians who pervert the phrase for their own votes always seem to have a few mistresses or prostitutes going?) but REAL values like honesty and responsibility and consideration,how to use your values to be consistent, fair, and raise kids of integrity
Raising happy, healthy, productive kids -- if you build appropriate limits and give a strong foundation of love, support, authority, and consistency, then your children will thrive
Using "Stop, Pause, Redirect" and other streamlined techniques -- not a quick fix, rather a graceful method for changing your child's problem behavior that you should use consistently for the duration of your parenthood
On all of this, the authors are completely correct. I have worked with kids since I was twelve. I was a camp counselor, a babysitter, a coach, a tutor, and a teacher. I have worked with hundreds of children from birth to 18 years, and I will tell you that I have never observed a REAL problem child whose parents used tactics like those outlined in this book. A child of difficult temperament? Sure, that's luck of the draw, but a child of serious character flaw, behavioral problem, or other dysfunction? Never.
Unfortunately, the parents who most need this book are the ones least likely to read it, because they are permissive and do not want to play the role of authority figure in their family. There is no way such a parent would pick up a book of this title, except as a last resort, but I will tell you, I have seen a lot of parents mess up their children by being permissive (I see it everywhere!), and a few terrible parents mess up their children by being cruel (which is awful to see!), but no parents mess up their kids by being firm, authoritative, loving, and consistent, and that's what this book is about. So if you're thinking, "I don't think this book sounds gentle or nurturing or emotionally intuitive enough for OUR family. Sounds pretty harsh to me." Then you are exactly the person who needs this book. I can say it on the internet in a way I can not say it to my friends: you are doing your child, yourself, and your entire community a disservice if you don't know how to set limits and stick to them as a parent. This book will help teach you how to do that in a loving and meaningful way.
So why only four stars? Because I'm a nitpicker. This book suffers from "great thinker, poor writer" complex. It's common in the sciences (my field, too!). The book's editors did not improve the writing style adequately.
Though not particularly long, The Manipulative Child is a very dense read. I had to read this book with my reading aide (a card with a hole in it that limits my view of the page to a few lines). Otherwise, I found myself entirely lost in the page. It took a long time to get through, because I had to re-read many paragraphs to absorb them (though I am, admittedly, not a strong reader). The book needs a brutal round of editing for clarity. Much of the vocabulary is inherently confusing (e.g. "negative reinforcement" having entirely different technical and lay definitions). It needs to be pared down and ironed out.
But the same could be said for my review! Apologies for that! ;)
This book's target audience is parents of children from 2 through high school, but it would be useful to anyone (babysitters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, daycare providers, teachers) who works with kids. I read it when my daughter was 1, and though she's a little young to respond to SPD, the exercises in the book have helped me to lay out what kind of a parent I want to be and have prepared me for the toddler years and beyond.
To sum this up: I highly recommend this book for anyone who works with kids. Especially anyone who feels out of control of their child's behavior and doesn't know how to turn it around. But even better to read it so early that you never get to that desperate point!
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Five Stars
By MIGUEL SERRANO
good
29 of 31 people found the following review helpful.
Not for the Weak or Close Minded Mentors
By Rebecca K.
Where to begin?! My head is spinning with the amount of information and introspection this book provides. If you enjoy the payoffs of getting to the root of issues, this book is for you. The payoffs are sometimes right there and simple to achieve and some may require more persistence. If you prefer a life with little growth, confrontation and self awareness then keep watching tv, eating drive-thru fast food and most of all, forget this book.
Nothing worth while is ever easy, but the work done to get great results shows you that you're strong enough to stick it through. When you crack this book open, its a bit like opening Pandora's Box. You will find that each member of the family plays into the behavior we're trying to stop (avoid). If you can't take a bit of self-criticism, you'll miss valuable clues into the drama at hand. The book is not direct in the sense that it openly says 'parents are idiots and do everything wrong', but speaks to us in a gentler way by describing how our being manipulated serves something within ourselves as well.
So, as much as we would like to focus on the child (which this book does), we also need to run a parallel thought process on the hand -we- play.
There are 'assignments' provided which invite you to delve deeper and become better at identifying what you've just learned. It also provides clear information to resolving manipulation behavior and its fallout.
Its refreshing to read a book with such emphasis on self responsibility and integrity. I'm so happy I ordered this book, I think lessons learned will bleed over into other aspects of my life and allow me to improve at parenting and myself! Time to stand up and be the parents our children need us to be!
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